I don’t like having to answer the same question over and over again. My family has stopped asking, my close friends never ask because they know me, and most of the questions come from people who don’t know me.
When you Google my name, the first two results that appear are “Serhan Süzer girlfriend” and “Serhan Süzer wife.” This personally breaks my heart. I think Google searches should focus on sustainability or renewable energy; two topics I’ve dedicated my life to. But then again, some people are curious about my personal life beyond the work I’ve dedicated myself to.
I don’t share my personal life in my writing or on social media. In this post, I’m going to bend that rule a bit. Two factors motivated me to write this.
Patience is a virtue!
First, I was talking to a friend last week and she said, “The other day, a mutual friend of ours, well-known in the entrepreneurial ecosystem, was talking about you (I won’t mention his name here, of course), and she said, ‘If he hasn’t married by this age, there’s a problem.’” After hearing this comment, I said to myself, “Patience!” The friend who made this comment is also around 40. So, he probably sees a problem with himself, having concluded that not marrying by this age is a problem. I’ll address this comment later in this article.
Secondly, yesterday I came across a news article titled “TÜİK (Turkish Statistical Institute) Announces! Turkey’s Marriage Age Settled,” and I thought to myself, it was imperative to write about it. You can read this article at https://www.hurriyet.com.tr/gundem/tuik-acikladi-turkiyenin-evlenme-yasi-belli-oldu-41756046 .
The article shares that, according to data released by the Turkish Statistical Institute (TÜİK), the average age of marriage for women who officially married for the first time in 2020 was 25.1, while the average age for men was 27.9. In fact, according to TÜİK (Turkish Statistical Institute) data, the province with the highest average age at first marriage is Tunceli, at 27.6 for women and 31.3 for men. The provinces with the lowest average age at first marriage are Ağrı, at 22.2 for women, and Şanlıurfa, at 26.0 for men.
Indications of the Education Gap
An interesting statistic is also provided: According to the Address-Based Population Registration System (ABPRS) results, when examining the education gap between spouses in official marriages, it was found that in 2019, 40.4% of women married men with higher education levels than themselves, while the proportion of women with higher education than their husbands was 15.1%. The proportion of spouses with the same education level was 42.9%, while the proportion of spouses with unknown educational differences was 1.6%. In other words, the proportion of men marrying women with higher education levels is much lower than the proportion of women marrying men with higher education levels. This data points to three conclusions. First, unfortunately, we see that women have lower education levels than men. If we look at the situation with the logic that “mothers are the ones who raise and nurture children,” we can say that women’s good character and education are a determining factor in society’s fate. Therefore, if we want to be a developed country that minimizes its problems, we must prioritize women’s education.
The second conclusion is that men don’t want to marry women who are better educated than themselves. Many men share this same belief. They want women to be inferior in every way. A well-educated woman who stands on her own two feet intimidates a man who lacks self-confidence. These men want women to be constantly dependent and dependent on them. This way, they want to hold the reins. I personally consider these men to be pathetic. However, I would respect if a man said and put in the effort: “Let me strive to improve myself, and let me help my wife improve herself.” This is the way it should be.
The third conclusion is that educated women don’t like men or prefer to remain single rather than have a problematic marriage.
The goal of getting married once
This is the statistical result that speaks to my mindset. I respect that educated women don’t choose a spouse. I also respect that they prefer to remain single rather than face problems once married. Beyond respecting this, as a man, I do the same.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I still don’t understand how these two seemingly unrelated characters got married. However, I remember being deeply saddened by their divorce as a child and longing to see them together, even though there was no peace in the house. As three siblings, the family’s disintegration had serious consequences for all of us. We also experienced the significant negative effects of those who entered the family later. We couldn’t fully achieve unity. Moreover, I say this even though we grew up very happily with my grandmother, who was one of the people I cherished most in life. Thanks to my Aunt Gülten, she was always there for us growing up. He always rushed us through school and other chores.
But we always felt a void. I say ‘felt’ because I know my twin brother and sister felt the same way. As a result of my own family experiences, I’ve reached the conclusion that I want to get married once in my life. I dream of a marriage where we can be a unified whole, sharing a common perspective on life and raising our children together. You know, in our culture, they say of newborns, “May they grow up with both parents.” That’s exactly what I want.
Marriages are decreasing, while divorces are increasing
That’s why, until now, when I’ve thought and imagined “What would it be like if we got married?” in my personal life, I’ve always seen a problem, and I haven’t been convinced. I’ve never stayed in a relationship where I saw the risk of divorce in the future.
Speaking of divorce, let’s look at the statistics on this issue in Turkey. According to a report by Anadolu Agency published at https://www.aa.com.tr/tr/turkiye/evlenmeler-azaldi-bosanmalar-artti/1745213 , while marriages have decreased in Turkey, divorces have increased.
In Turkey, the number of couples married in 2019 was 541,424, while the number of couples divorced was 155,047. While the number of couples married decreased by 2.3% in 2019 compared to the previous year, the number of couples divorced increased by 8%.
Beyond divorces, if statistics were also included for those who remained unwillingly married, the dire nature of the situation could be seen. In other words, if divorce processes were easy and divorces could be granted immediately upon the consent of one party, the number of divorces would catch up with the number of marriages. Even if couples were asked questions like “Are you happy in your marriage?” (it’s important that they answer sincerely, of course), we begin to discuss the institution of marriage.
Prenuptial Agreements
Looking at my school friends, I can say that there are those who marry once and start a happy family (they’re in the minority), those who marry and divorce (the majority), and even those who marry two or three times, divorce, and have children. So, among my friends, there are those who excel at every skill.
I can say that the more I observe the tragedies experienced by those who marry and divorce, the more I become dismayed. Divorces don’t involve such conflicts. Usually, one of the couples develops a serious problem, and all sorts of complications arise in what we call a “contested divorce.” I’ve observed that divorce lawyers hired to resolve the issue take the opposite approach, keeping the issue alive and even sharing family secrets with the press simply for their own PR. In other words, it’s a complete disgrace no matter how you look at it.
After seeing all this, I’ve decided that signing a prenuptial agreement before marriage is the right approach in Turkey’s current climate. While the majority disagree on this matter, when the issue is brought up, one of the couples usually responds with a classic, “Don’t you trust me?” Even if they say so, a marriage contract that establishes the basic rules from the outset protects both men and women and prevents any unpleasant incidents that may arise in the future.
After all, the concept we call marriage is essentially a contract. It’s a primitive structure where the rules are set by the state, and when there’s a dispute, the consequences can be bent by the parties and the judge, often hindering freedom. Since there’s a series of rules set by the state regarding how we live together (which is essentially absurd when you think about it), it makes sense for the spouses to determine from the outset what the environment defined by these rules will be, rather than leaving it open-ended where the disputes will go. Therefore, a marriage contract is the right decision in Turkey.
Also, no one receives anyone else’s title deed in a marriage. This approach is also wrong. We are human, not commodities purchased from a shopping mall. We all have feelings, expectations from life, and desires.
Marriage of convenience or marriage of love?
The answer to this question is crystal clear in my mind. Both. You don’t marry based solely on logic; you make it work, think you’re happy, try to convince yourself, but after a while, you find yourself in a void. You become attracted to others, and you drift further away from your partner. You become unhappy.
Decisions made purely out of love can also become a nightmare after a while. Passionate love also has a finite duration. After that, you face reality. Physical attraction is important and effective in relationships, but it only lasts so long. There are billions of beautiful women and handsome men in the world. If it were that easy, we wouldn’t be discussing marriage so much. Because every day you wake up with someone you’re physically attracted to, and that might bring you joy, but after a while, it’s not enough. Beyond those physical attributes, that relationship should nourish you. In other words, you want to learn from your partner, to be able to discuss things. In a sense, you become a collective wisdom.
In my eyes, beauty isn’t just physical; there’s a concept called mental beauty. You also admire a person’s mind, their way of thinking, their knowledge, and their experience. In fact, sometimes this can be even more attractive to me.
Couples Complementing Each Other
The perspective on women and the balance between couples vary across cultures around the world. For example, while men are generally more dominant in Middle Eastern and Asian countries, women are more dominant in America. A Turkish American friend of mine (a woman) even took offense when I asked, half-jokingly, “Why do American men prefer Far Eastern women? Have you ever considered that?”
In my opinion, the issue isn’t dominance. It’s not about men and women competing at all. It’s natural for men and women, two distinct genders, to complement each other. Women have their strengths, and men have their strengths. After all, everyone has their own character and characteristics. They have their own expectations from life. The important thing is for all these elements to complement each other and to feel stronger and more motivated together.
In a beautiful marriage, everyone should be free to explore their own spaces, couples should be able to complement each other’s shortcomings, help each other, motivate each other, and become a unified whole. Of course, raising children who are beneficial to humanity, the country, and the nation is the goal. Perhaps, beyond being happy together, this is the most important meaning of marriage.
Other important criteria
In my opinion, in marriage:
1) Trust is essential. You should be able to trust your spouse completely.
2) They should have the capacity to be mothers or fathers of their children. After all, you will raise and raise the most important being in your life together. Children raised by a loving and knowledgeable couple will grow up to be both happy and beneficial individuals in the future.
3) Couples should be friends through thick and thin. This is the exact equivalent of the phrase “In sickness and in health…” used in the marriage ceremony. Couples should be able to support each other no matter what.
4) They should also be friends through thick and thin. In other words, it’s important for them to enjoy their time together. Couples should be able to have fun and enjoy spending time together.
Respect
After saying all this, you might say, “Serhan, you’re placing too much importance on marriage.” You’re right in one respect. However, I’m describing the ideal partnership for you. Above all these criteria, there’s another concept: respect. While chatting with the wife of a close high school friend, I asked her, “What do you think is the essential criterion in marriage?” After some thought, she said, quite clearly, ‘respect.’ Notice, she doesn’t say love, she says respect. Then I thought about it, and she was right. I’d always wondered how this high school friend of mine, a character both entertaining and challenging, and his very settled wife managed for years. Beyond having two beautiful children, it was my friend’s wife who managed. And that answered my question. It makes perfect sense. Love is crucial. But without respect, nothing is worthwhile, and there’s no point in continuing that marriage. Couples must first respect each other. Then, you can build everything else in that respect.
Better late than never
Contrary to the prediction of my mutual friend in the entrepreneurial ecosystem, which I mentioned in the article, that “if they haven’t married by this age, there’s a problem,” there are no intellectual or physical problems. On the contrary, the self-confidence of having achieved significant success despite all the challenges I’ve faced, the motivation for future projects that will improve humanity, and the fact that I haven’t lost anything physically from my twenties (sports and genetics) make me a stronger and more responsible candidate than the father figure I would have formed in my 20s and 30s.
The desire to do this only once leads to excessive selection. This level of selectiveness increases as I get older.
When I find a life partner with whom I can be whole, raise our children with peace of mind, be happy together, and achieve what we want in life, I will do what is necessary. Don’t worry.
Incidentally, if you’re aware, I’m not talking about finding a spouse. I’m talking about finding a life partner. We probably won’t see this in our lifetimes, but in the future, the institution of marriage, which is contrary to human nature and somewhat outdated, will be replaced by life partnership. As someone with great foresight, let me emphasize this point.
With this article, I’d like to convey the following message: We can observe from the news that the number of women subjected to violence is increasing daily. This, in a sense, is a sign of our country’s backwardness and the helplessness of the men who raise their hands. We must solve this problem as a country. Say no to violence against women!
Finally, I’d like to congratulate you on International Working Women’s Day, which will be celebrated in two days!
I wish all my readers a happy life.
Tag: memoir
